To Give Attention and Find Rest

A refuge from overwhelm

It’s Memorial Day weekend and I’m a tangled pile of loose threads going nowhere and everywhere.

My gardening to-do list is a mile long and my art projects and teaching commitments continue to pull my mind and heart in various directions.

I’m also steeped in the ambiguity of indecision as I debate participating in a couple of events where saying yes to either or both would greatly impact the shape and pace of my personal life for the next three months.

Dare I say no to both and welcome a spacious slowness? Dare I say yes and embrace an expansiveness that might open doors or change momentum?

I feel up to my eyeballs in urgency and overwhelm, but it’s all of my own making and perception. So much doing in so many different directions. I’m having trouble finding a place to land.

But it’s not that I want it all to stop. Rather, I just want to rest in the busy-ness of one deep thing rather than in the busy-ness of many deep things. Because there is no joy for me when I overly divide my mind.

As I’m steeped in this overwhelm of my own making, I find myself pining for the simplicity of last winter’s obsession with natural dyes, where it was all hunkering down, paying close attention, and taking long walks with J. to discuss the progress of our separate creative pursuits.

I guess I’m looking to find rest through focus.

Acts of Service

Meanwhile, I attended a memorial celebration honoring my friend Annalisa last week. As everyone shared their love and stories about their relationships with her, I felt struck by how her generous presence in her friendships was really an act of service.

That being present for her loved ones was like all normal friendships, but also an expression of her spiritual beliefs—that making sure she was easily available and giving her focused attention were commitments she had made to herself and to the Divine. My whole body reverberated with this sensation.

It made me realize that there are myriad ways to be of service to the world.

On the flip side, it also made me realize there’s myriad ways to keep the world at arm’s length—and many are quite subtle.

As I sat with this community of friends and listened, I wondered about myself and the ways I could show up more fully, be more present. What are the ways I keep the world at arm’s length?

One way I keep the world at arm’s length is by dividing my attention across too many activities. When I put a few drops of attention in so many cups, there’s not enough for anyone to drink, including me.

Full vs Busy

In my current overwhelmed state, I’ve let myself be drawn in too many directions and nothing has gotten my proper attention. It’s stressful and unrewarding.

But really, all I need to feel balanced again is to experience a little completion in one area or the other. And this will definitely happen in the next week or two.

It’s also true, however, that whenever I experience the spaciousness of completion, I immediately fill it with my next fascination. It’s like my fascinations are lined up in some hallway in my mind and the next one up slides quickly into place as soon as there’s enough wiggle room to slip in unnoticed.

This pattern is a life-long feature, not a bug. I’m pretty sure I’m stuck with it.

Which is why my visceral reaction to the lesson about focus and presence from Annalisa’s life also lingers. Something is true there and is being offered to me. But I can only half see it.

Yes, there’s something disrespectful about being distracted, but it feels like more than that. Maybe it’s that feeling overwhelmed reduces a loving commitment to a duty or obligation. Or maybe it’s something about needing to understand the difference between having privacy and keeping one’s distance. Or maybe it’s the illusion of connectedness that too much busy-ness offers.

Perhaps it’s simply about not getting confused between keeping your life “full” and making your life “busy.” About doing less and finding rest in simple acts of service, like giving your attention fully, whenever you can—to whomever or whatever in your life is asking for it or needs it—including yourself.

I don’t have this all sorted out, but I like this realization that paying attention is a form of service. And not just to other humans, but to the world of things, beings, and energies all around us. And that when we do that, it’s a way of being in service to Gaia, the soul of the world, and to the physical planet itself.

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What about you? Do you struggle with overwhelm at times? What do you think about paying attention as an act of service? Leave a comment. I’d love to hear.